A (Somewhat Humorous) Bachelor Recap


Spoiler Alert! This recap (obviously) has spoilers to the first episode of The Bachelor.


We’ve waited and it’s officially “Janu-Arie.” Monday night held two things, the Alabama – Clemson football game and the first episode of season 22 of The Bachelor. 25.7 million may have tuned in to see the game, but 9.5 million loyal fans turned on ABC to see new bachelor and “kissing bandit” Arie Luyendyk Jr. select the lucky winner out of 29 women to potentially be his wife.


Arie Luyendyk Jr. first became part of the Bachelor Nation six years ago on Emily Maynard’s Bachelorette season, but ultimately came in second place. He was heartbroken afterwards and while Maynard was breaking off her engagement with winner Jef Holmes, Arie threw himself into his work, racecar driving, but has since settled down and worked in real estate. At this point in his life, he feels like he’s ready to fall in love again and start a family, so he came back to where it all started and he was dumped on national TV – The Bachelor.


Starting with 29 women, with ages ranging from 22 to 32, all younger than the 36 year old and greying Luyendyk, he meets and has one-on-ones with each lady, even sneaking in a few kisses with two.


Freshman Danielle Guillemain said that, “the best part of the show is Arie’s first conversations with all the girls to see what first impression they make.” This season opener did not disappoint.


The women exit from the limo, although 22 year old Bekah, who was playing with dolls when Arie was drinking his first beer, came in a ‘55 cherry red Mustang and Maquel in a racing car, to impress Arie.


Many brought gifts like elephant cufflinks, a racing flag, and contestant Tia even brought a “little weiner” and asks Arie if he already has one, but it’ll slide since she’s from Weiner, Arkansas.


Other impressive limo exits included a fake proposal, another costume (a kissing bandit, of course, better than the shark/dolphin seen on Nick Viall’s season), and someone asked for him to smell her “pits” and then asked “Was that not the best pit stop of your life?” Overall, a lot of racecar jokes were said and even though Arie said he loved them, his attitude and dramatic sighs said otherwise.

Arie also met Kendall, a LA based taxidermist who sat in a tree and played ukulele to a stuffed seal, and since that hadn’t got her kicked off, I’m not sure what will.


One thing that was new this season was a repeating pattern. There were four Laurens, although now only 3, about half of the women are blonde (clearly Arie has a type) and the most popular job is something with real estate. It’s almost like the producers had an agenda for the type of woman they wanted on TV.


Chelsea won the first impression rose, against the wishes of many. Her attitude and abruptness put off most watchers but apparently not Arie.


An anonymous junior says, “I really wasn’t a fan of Chelsea – she is so mean to the other girls! I saw a funny thing after the show that described her as a PTA mom who makes fun of the others moms’ brownies and I thought it was believable.”


Becca K., Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah M., Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel all received a rose and the rest of the ladies had to leave the house, some even crying over their lost opportunity.


Senior Grace Liriano predicts that, “Bekah, Maquel, Kendall, and Jenny will all get far along and/or walk away with a ring.”


Tune in next Monday night at 8pm to watch another scripted TV show that promises love, happiness, and a multi-million dollar engagement ring, and don’t act like you hate it, we all know you already applied to be on the next season.