Ever since Joe Biden’s inauguration as the 46th president of the United States, the question of stimulus checks has been at the center of a very heated debate. We interviewed students from all grade levels (and even a few teachers) and asked one simple question: What will you buy with your stimulus check?

Frankie Wells (freshman, grade 9): “I will spend this money on VBucks, the in-game currency used to purchase cosmetic items in the popular battle royale video game Fortnite, produced by Epic Games.”

Shelley Beyer (senior, grade 12): “Well, I’ll probably just put the money into my bank account. I think it will be useful for when I’m in college.”

Jean Wilder (sophomore, grade 10): “If there’s any PS5s available, I’ll probably buy one. Maybe two. Perhaps three.”

Brayden Michaels (freshman, grade 9): “What’s the point? Money is a human construct. Life is meaningless. We’re living in a society that worships false idols like Justin Bieber instead of true artists like Freddie Mercury.”

Paul Pogg (junior, grade 11): “You know those horse statues in front of P.F. Changs? Yeah, one of those. I don’t know where I’m gonna put it, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it, but I want one.”

Mrs. Bundren (English teacher): “I’ll be buying some new books for my class, especially those Macbeth books –– they keep getting stolen! It’s about time that they get replaced. I’m pretty sure some of them are older than this building.”

Richie Silvers (sophomore, grade 10): “Pffft, I don’t need Uncle Sam’s chump change. But if I did obtain $1400, I would purchase two iPhone 12s. Then I would resell them on eBay with a markup of 39.2%, and the remaining cash would be invested into Bitcoin, which has recently been seeing an uptick in the market. After that…” [He continued to ramble on for seven more minutes before we decided to leave.]

Samuel Osgiliath, Esq. (Honors student, sophomore): “Um, actually, students won’t be receiving any stimulus checks. Dependents and minors are ineligible to receive a stimulus check, which excludes every student within this building. Anyone with the mental capacity of a toad would know that. But of course, you upperclassmen would not acknowledge my genius.”

Mr. Goodman (U.S. History teacher): “How did you get into my house? And why are you in my bathtub?”

Carlos Ibanez (junior, grade 12): “I’ll use that money to do what I always do: expand my award-winning LEGO Ninjago collection. I still have a few exclusive collector’s edition minifigs that elude my grasp. But I will find them.”

Mittens (cat, Nuclear Physics Ph.D.): “Meow.” [She has refused any further comment.]

Fantastic ideas all around! That’s all we have for now, Hills. Check in next month, when we interview students about their hot takes on Hungarian cabinets. This is Olli and Raymond, signing off!