Despite the snow, sea anemone attacks have remained at an all-time high. Of all 21 counties, Bergen ranks third in New Jersey for frequency of sea anemone attacks, averaging 8.3 per month. That’s more than four times the state average. Unfortunately, Pascack Hills is all too familiar with this statistic. If you can’t believe it’s gotten this bad, you’re not alone. Senior Min Ha Cho didn’t believe it at first when he moved here in his freshman year.

“I first heard about the anemones back when I was a sophomore,” he recounted. “I thought it was a joke for like five minutes. But then I was nearly killed by one.”

Back in Cho’s home state of South Carolina, the forest surrounding the coast protects any sea anemones from migrating inland. Furthermore, the seawater there is slightly warmer and saltier, as it’s closer to the equator, which prevents large sea anemone territories and provinces from industrializing.

It’s a different story up north. The domain of the New Jersey sea anemone is vast. Despite their name, they’re estimated to stretch along the Hudson River from Hoboken in New Jersey to Nyack in New York, nearly four Mr. Goodmans in length. They are most commonly found beneath damp carpets or within dank crevices, and primarily feast on insects, small children, and birds.

Disproportionately, sea anemones occupy way more space in Montvale than in Woodcliff Lake. This is due in part to Woodcliff Lake’s clever self-defense mechanism: high property taxes. Any new sea anemones can’t afford to pay these taxes at the risk of tax fraud, bankruptcy, and IRS indictments. As such, they stay far away from there, while happily ruining the town of Montvale.

Thankfully, we have people making change. During their sophomore year, the heroic Sean McNeice and Noah Hirshfield took it upon themselves to brutally annihilate as many sea anemones as possible for their Genetics research project. They won first place for Animal Sciences at the North Jersey Regional Science Fair, and were each awarded a Medal of Freedom for their contributions to the wellbeing of American society. Let’s all strive to be like Sean and Noah, and eradicate those nasty cnidarians!