Krispy Kreme “Katastrophe”

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This is a satirical article modeled after “The Onion”.


Pascack Hills, Montvale, NJ- This month, the Hills Girl’s LAX team was selling Krispy Kreme donuts for a fundraiser. While many students were enjoying the glazed coated rings of delicious awesomeness, some noticed something wrong with their donuts. One student, who chose to remain anonymous, said “I took a bite, and instead of filling my taste buds with melt-in-your mouth goodness, my mouth got stuck biting into it. And I had to bite even harder, and pull my neck to get the bite out. I think that donut gave me whiplash!”

So far 11 other students have stopped at the nurse’s office and have been diagnosed with whiplash, caused by eating stale Krispy Kreme donuts. Mr. Paspalas, the school Athletic Director has pledged to open a complete investigation into the matter.

 

“We can’t have the Hills athletic programs tainted by scandalous fundraisers. Plus, if we can’t do Krispy Kreme fundraisers we’ll have to take more money from the music department, and I don’t like going to budget meetings. They’re so boring!”

 

News of the scandals has already angered much of the student body. A group a freshman was found rioting on the turf field, surrounded by a trash can filled with Krispy Kreme boxes on fire. The blaze sent construction workers running away in a panic. Currently there are Krispy Kreme boxes littered throughout the school, and janitors are working overtime to clean it up.


If people are surviving the whiplash, then they are still struggling with the immense amount of sugar they are consuming. Mrs. Schwartzman (C Schwa), Math teacher was seen working out at an accelerated rate due to an induced sugar rush. She then passed out after benching 250 pounds: a new school record.

The whole mess has really worried Mr. deMarrias who was seen having a one on one session with Mrs. Franceski, the schools wellness counselor. Both declined to comment, as did Mr. Wieland, but a source familiar with the matter says the Principal is going bonkers because of the scandal and “blatant disregard for Hills Pride.”

By the end of the month, the girls LAX team decided to establish a fund for the victims of those affected by the scandal, called the Hills Fund for Fundraising Victims. The money from the recent fundraiser will finance the fund.

 

The captain of the Girl’s LAX team has scheduled another Krispy Kreme fundraiser for this January, and the team spokesperson declined to comment. Seems like nothing will stop the sale of Krispy Kreme’s at PHHS.

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